Monday, February 14, 2011

A year later....

I really can't believe it has been a year! It feels like yesterday that I made the decision that no one really thought I could accomplish and here we stand (well I'm lying in bed) and I did it. The truth is it wasn't even that hard!

For the past 2 weeks I've started trying on some new clothes, mostly to see what size I'm in now and what's going on inside the stores now. The statement of not buying any new clothes came from me trying to save the environment. We all know that I want that damn Nobel Peace Prize! But in the end I realized that it changed so many other things about me.

When you stop buying new clothes the first thing you definitely don't think about is that it will change something else. The fact is that life is one big formula and when you take a piece out of that formula something else has to change so you'll get the right end result. For me shopping was a way to make myself feel better, a new dress added some happiness into the equation but it was bought happiness that just didn't last. The cold hard truth was that I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin or my own personality. I didn't feel like me and I wasn't sure what was me and how I wanted to be. So I faked it and bought another dress. Most of these dresses I wore once maybe twice and I have them in my closet (that is still packed even after the year).

I can count the clothes I bought this year easily! One shirt, one skirt, one top and one sweater! The shirt, skirt and the top I bought in Iceland this summer and the sweater I bought in Geneva when I got cold! I traded a skirt for another skirt with my big sis. I bought as well 2 pairs of converse and when the snow came my step mum gave me her old winter shoes! I've not been wearing all my clothes since some of them are totally not my personality. Yes, I actually have a personality now. I know who I am and who I want to be.

You must think that stop buying clothes doesn't change anything but it does! It's the same when you quit anything for a certain amount of time something inside you just changes. I can't say if only the fact that I stopped buying clothes or all the other things that happened to me during this year changed me, but how can I say that these things didn't happen because I had started to change because of the clothes thing?

I was a total closed off person towards guys, yea they are fun but nothing more. For the past year I met 3 guys that I wanted (and tried my best) to be open with. Most of us do know the disastrous results of one of them (that will not be spoken of) but I tried. I can actually say I tried! That's something I never could say before! Two of them ended in tears one of that ended in me leaving the country for a month. But I tried! I made an effort and I showed vulnerability instead of just being the normal me Ice Queen. I did couple of Ice Queens this year, because I sometimes need to keep face!

I made as well some brutal decisions, that when I was making them broke my heart to billion pieces. I know the person that I had to make these brutal decisions about will never read this but in hindsight it was the right thing to do, for the both of us. Sometimes a friendship is to damaging in both directions that it needs to be cut off. I took some other friendship breaks this year and I don't regret them (again in hindsight) because this is real life and in real life people need to take some breaks.

This year has been filled with so many tears and heartbreaks and I think that's exactly what I needed to turn my heart back on. It needed that kick and that punch just to make me feel alive again and luckily I had amazing support from my friends and family that helped me through the first step of that agonizing feeling of being alive.

So, what can I say. I'm looking forward to some new jeans that don't have a gigantic hole on them and new t-shirts! I'm looking forward to buy things in colour since all my clothes are black! I want to wear something pretty and colourful! You can maybe start expecting more posts about what I'm wearing at the moment, highly likely not since I'm still lazy as f*ck!

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